Hello. In a previous post called “Write It Out”, I introduced you to the idea of using journaling to explore your feelings. It’s a great way to release any stored tension and calm cycling thoughts. It really is worth exploring, you might be surprised by how much you enjoy it.
You might be wondering how I use journaling to release stress, so here goes…
In January 2023 I took part in Beth Kempton’s free online Winter Writing Sanctuary which was fantastic! The entire experience reminded me of how much I love writing; it was an absolute joy. I found putting pen to paper again really freeing and fun. Before the writing sanctuary, I tried to keep a daily gratitude journal. The result was a bit hit & miss. Some days I’d write loads, sometimes I’d forget to write in it altogether, and other days I’d write a list as if it was for shopping. I noticed that I felt calmer after writing, even if it as for just 10 minutes.
So now I get up early and follow along with the writing exercises in Beth Kempton’s book “The Way Of The Fearless Writer”, just because it’s fun and I want to! The accompanying podcast invokes the same kind of feeling I got as I participated in the writing sanctuary. I read a bit of the book, randomly select 3 poems from my collection, set a timer for 10 minutes and just write whatever wants to be written.
Don’t worry,I don’t expect you to read any of it. I heard your sigh of relief from here! It’s purely for me to get my morning started calmly & my creativity flowing : )
Hmmm, having said that, I’d like to share an entry with you as it shows a particularly challenging time ahead for me. Here’s the writing exercise from my journal dated 1st February 2023 along with the poem randomly chosen as a writing spark.
The entry is raw & imperfect, but, I promise you, it is all too real…
01.02.23 6.50am (at my) writing desk
Quickening exercise p35 “The Way Of The Fearless Writer; Ancient Eastern Wisdom For A Flourishing Writing Life” Beth Kempton
Poised on the brink of inevitability, breath held…not knowing which way to turn. Which way to turn?
Is it or isn’t it? Cancer, again? I’m 90% sure it is, the lump became angry after the mammogram. Biopsies have left my remaining breast bruised, yellow & purplish, black in some places – small cuts mark the skin. Signals that underneath something, potentially, sinister lurks.
Is it, or isn’t it?
The long U shaped scar of survivorship laughs….you’ll be like me soon. Oh well….it’ll be easier to get dressed, silver linings and all, I get to choose my cup size. Think I’ll stick with my 32bs thank you.
Has it spread to the lymph? Hmmmm…not sure. Not long to wait for the results now….4 ½ hours until diagnosis. It’s déjà vu with the lightness of possibility. The possibility that it is benign…
So why does it feel so angry? What do I need to let go of? What do I need to learn? Why am I creating dis-ease to hold myself back & keep myself small? It all feels like a cosmic joke, a completion of a cycle, an outdated way of being, of thinking, of unconsciousness rising up from the core of my being-ness, through my cells and into the density of flesh.
Is it, or isn’t it?
Thoughts become things, right? When & why didI decide that I wanted cancer again? What thought process has recreated this beastie to grow again? No just watching Christmas movies this time…
I will stare down the mammogram until its pictures are perfectly clear.
I’ll cajole the biopsies into having enough data to give the surgical team their definitive answer.
To operate, or not. Treatment or not. Is it, or isn’t ?
I’ll stand strong, holding my inner child’s hand & whisper soothing words like, it’ll be ok, we did it before & we’ll do it again. Together. You are not alone, we are not alone. Higher Self & the universe is with me and I am grateful that the right team has been called forward.
Is it, or isn’t?
I feel in my gut that it is. Her-2, immunotherapy, surgery…who knows? I’ll wait until 11.30am on Wednesday, 1st Feb 2023 for diagnosis.
Is it, or isn’t it?
Journal entry – 01.02.23 5pm
Is it, or isn’t it? YES IT F*****G IS! Triple negative breast cancer again…
Here we go again, let’s dance cancer!
TBC
“from Changing the Subject *
13 I Shall Paint My Nails Red
because a bit of colour is a public service.
because I am proud of my hands.
because it will remind me I’m a woman.
because I will look like a survivor.
because I can admire them in traffic jams.
because my daughter will say ugh.
because my lover will be surprised.
because it is quicker than dying my hair.
because it is a ten-minute moratorium.
because it is reversible.”
by Carole Satyamurti
*The poem was randomly chosen from an anthology called “Staying Alive, real poems for unreal times” edited by Neil Astley , Bloodaxe Books
Resources;
https://bethkempton.com/podcast/
Writing out what was spiralling around my head made me calmer. It released the wall of fear that I’d been building inside my stomach, making me feel restless & irritable. I went to the appointment calm with a resilience that replaced the fear, once I let the fear out. I’m certain this practice will help enormously with the run of appointments and tests that happen before chemo starts. Again.
Thank you for reading & allowing me to share a bit more of my story.
Until the next time,
Take good care of yourself. Please get support if you have been affected by anything in this post.
Tracey x
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